thank you internets

So for whatever reason, I just keep feeling the pull to write here.

It's not really like me at all to want to make myself so vulnerable, but somehow when I get quiet with Jesus, He reminds me that my story is what I have right now to tell. For my littles, for the speaking-it-into-the-future, and for what it might stretch into for my boys who are fast growing and will be men one day, reading droplets of words and heart of mine. 

Here's hoping that these word droplets meet them when I cannot.

Words have a longevity that I don't. They can be a fixture when I cannot. They can (hopefully) communicate some of my mummy heart for later when right now the little ears I need to be listening are much too little for my today words and my today tears.

real tears from Brave...can't remember exactly the offence of Soul, but here it is all captured for future generations. You're welcome boys.

In more ways than I want to be true, we are passing in the night these boys of mine and little old me.

I'm trying to 'hang around', trying to live beyond this expiry date I've been handed so I can more than just 'pass by' you. I want my life to impact and drive deep into your little persons so my incredible imbedded wisdom will serve you well in twenty, thirty, forty years time.

No. Just jokes. No imbedded wisdom. But I do want more than what I'm getting time wise that's for sures.

But then boys, you will already know that as revealed by all the embarrassing Super8 footage taken over my life, combined with the stories Daddy will tell, and this little blog. All of which will seem outrageously irrelevant by the time you take a look. I mean, I have no idea what kind of technology, or way of communicating will even be a 'thing' in twenty years time. Whatever it is will make my attempts here look quaint and old fashioned. 

That's ok. As long as you hear my heart. 

And I lay awake the other night (not at all like me - as soon as my head hits the pillow I'm out to it) I finished pulling together in my mind why it's so hard to think of writing you littles birthday cards that stretch into the future. Cards for when you graduate, words for you for significant dates. 

And then I remember the beauty of how mamma's grow with their littles. I have naturally grown as you boys have. I have been ready to parent a 3 year old when you turned three True. Before you were 5 I had no idea how I would meet all the emotional needs of a boy this age. How would I know what to do, what to say, how strong to be, when to be gentle of heart. And yet, when you turned 5, I graduated as a parent too. I was made ready because we had journeyed those months, the small days making up weeks, months, and finally years. 

It feels presumptuous to write cards stretching years ahead of where I have grown as a parent. I have taught hundreds of students in their teens, yet I have never mothered one. Maybe as this year goes on I will feel the pull to do this very thing, to write cards for you boys. If I do not though, this is the reason, and this is the rhyme to it: I am not ready to reach into the years ahead and hand out advice, or lend wisdom to the moments God hasn't granted me to live alongside of you. I am full (too full, I know I know) of advice and thoughts and revelations and ideas for you littles today. Today. 

Beyond this, beyond the days I'm here to live and love on you, I guess we will see.

Mum xx