brave

Yesterday morning we dropped True off at school, Soul at my mum's, and then Brave and I headed in to Tennyson to see Dr K and get my next injection. it's just hormone therapy - puts me into menopause to stop the chance of recurrence - none of the boys have come with me to ANY of my medical appointments, so it was to say the least a really big deal to bring Brave into this world of mine...a cancer treatment center can be confronting, but somehow it felt right to take him with me.

Traditionally i am petrified of needles since more often than not my veins have to be dug out of my arm before any blood can be drawn. This particular needle is an implant in my tummy, so it's a big needle with a serious sting. i actually put a local numbing patch on an hour or so first. it's the only way i can handle this needle. even so, every single time (this is my third monthly one...i'm counting down...only twenty one to go) i freak out that the patch won't work and i have to 'get in the zone' or i'd run out of that room!

Brave patiently waited about 10 minutes in the waiting room munching on almonds and dried fruit while i looked at my bible on my phone. 

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid. Do not be dismayed. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

When i lay down on the bed, i notice a little head next to mine. He wants to hold my hand. 

something in me breaks a little. maybe its the cynicism that's been building since i've been sick, but somehow this little hand in mine...it's a bridge between me and...seeing the glass half full maybe? A bridge back to expecting good, seeing that i'm not alone dealing with this cancer. 

my strong and amazing Brave. 

today sucked

I'm not gonna lie. 

today sucked. 

it started with a routine appointment that quickly disintegrated into a reiteration of my cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment with a doctor who was treating me for an entirely unrelated matter, and frankly seemed to want to information for his own sake and not mine.

he very melodramatically told me how terrible it all was (i was like, 'oh really?

I hadn't really thought about it like that before') 

he finished up by telling me i was lucky to be confronted with my mortality whilst bringing new life into the world.

oh. my....

the end of my day was less confrontational but more disheartening visiting a specialist in menopause after breast cancer.  i paid her $180 to tell me that i could take an anti-depressant if my hot flashes were unbearable, but the appointment mostly consisted of her congratulating me on how well i was handling it all.

that's why i went.

to be told i'm doing a good job.

so thanks very much specialists of adelaide with all of your enlightening and lively conversation for this lil' breast cancer survivor.

not worth the babysitting i had to organise i'll tell you that for free.

so...enough of the griping!

Soul has had a fever today and literally just fell asleep in my arms (unheard of!) so he's all tucked up in bed despite it only being 6.30pm. I can hear the chatter of True and Brave in the shower. 

Such rad conversations.

Here's an excerpt....'i don't even have shadows.' 'i thought you were a bad guy but i'm batman' 'sorry batman i'm robin'.

superheros are big round these parts.

actually now i think about it 'bad guys' are too. not really sure who counts as a bad guy tho. True assures me it's all about the facial expression, so there's a tip for new players!

     

taking back the love

is it bad that I actually bought these for a friend coming out of hospital, and then all the flowers opened so fast I convinced myself it was too late to give them? 

Writing it down makes it sound worse.