friday afternoon my way

Feels surreal.

I am at home with my three guys. But there's no one else here with me! Just little old me!

I tell you it's thrilling.

Has it been long since I've experienced the heady power of being the sole adult in charge of the three people I birthed and breastfed, clothed and nurtured? 

Just about 9 months I reckon.

The fact that they are all currently banished to separate rooms of the house due to rowdy behaviour, and have been told to read quietly on their beds or play with lego somehow hasn't dampened my mood. Nor has the teensiest bit of stern talking (read: yelling) I mustered to get them to stay put.

No. Being in charge, being alone here without a chaperone to watch over me is awesome.

The tide has turned in my treatment. The last few months have held a scary pain crisis, two separate hospital stays, a change in chemo, Huz taking a few months off to look after me, and my beautiful sister rushing her entire family home from Turkey to be with me.

And now here I am doing much much better. 

By much better I mean I am here. Alive. Alive and thanks to an easier chemo actually able to get out of bed and be me!

It's a milestone.

And so here I am, doing it my way, after months and months of many hands helping me, and although I know this is a season, and all seasons have a way of changing, I am so thankful for this little piece of 'normal', this little moment of my old life back.

Thanks God.

And all day I've been pottering with Soul, in and out to the garden and back, babying the new plants I have just put in, sorting and bagging up old clothing for the boys now it's the change of season, and just kind of nesting. 

Then there's that dark corner of my heart that taunts me to consider the why of all this nesting, this preparation, this organising and tidying and putting right…and no, I won't go to that dark corner today, not when it's my day to be me, not when the sun won't stop shining, and my lavender is blooming, and the children's voices are scheming a new game to play. 

I won't go to that dark corner that taunts the steady closing in of the end of me, the end of all of this life, this beautiful and big life. Not today. 

Today, I did it my way.