sweet and sour

It's been an afternoon of sorts. Well, out-of sorts. Huz for whatever reason has bitten back at a few of my remarks that he has taken badly. I guess I don't blame him.

Part of the deal with 'getting better', or 'coping really well' comes the confusion for everyone about how to treat me. What is the new normal, and all that. I mean, one minute I'm flat out on the couch or bed and sleeping most of the day, and all of a sudden I'm getting amazing medical scan results and bouncing around like a new little puppy who has been locked up too long. I actually really do feel like a puppy -just wanting to go go go until I literally collapse to make up for all the lost months.

But that does make it pretty confusing for handsome spouse and wonderful family who are trying to interpret/continue to support sick/bouncing puppy moi. 

I'm a little confused myself.

The 'rules' seem to shift beneath us each time I take a step of health. This weekend we spent the morning clearing out the back garden of branches and foliage to prepare for bushfire season, and I did my first bit of cooking with the boys and my beloved Thermomix with a yummy chocolate cake for morning tea. Then in the afternoon we headed off to Crossroad Bowls to take the boys bowling! This morning I went to church for the first time in about 9 months, and this afternoon couldn't help but try to trim back a large bush that  was getting out of control. 

Then this afternoon I kind of crashed out.

After all the sweetness of an unusually busy weekend full of life and packed with heaps of family time, I just kinda hit the wall.

It was at this point that Huz hit his own wall.

His wall was made of my requests (read: jobs I've asked him to do) all piling up, stacked up against a whole pile of Sunday night tasks like making lunches for the week and putting a baby seat in the car.

He was not happy. And so while I inwardly crumbled he kinda did too. And it was in front of our crowd of littles, with True commenting that 'adults fight too sometimes' and so our tribe watched Huz and I fight fair over the extra load, the working around all the little changes, all the declines, all the 'can'ts'...and the can'ts that have become can's. It's super confusing.

I don't really know how to navigate this, and all the while as I'm getting these fabulous results, and feeling my energy levels elevate I'm inwardly struggling to keep it together. 

Waking and feeling somehow alone, moments in time with boys giggling loudly beside me and mayhem of bikes on the deck and Soul wanting to get in and out of various dress ups, and I've fazed out to that darker place where I'm confused about how to just be right now, what to feel and how to be in the moment, because I'm feeling good now so there's pressure to be fully 'here' fully present and lap it up. And I do. Mostly. 

But there are the moments now I'm doing so much better that really I'm doing so much worse, and my heart is taking a beating, and I'm fatigued from how wonderful it is for everyone else that I'm 'doing so well right now', because playing along is kind of mandatory, even though I am at a loss as to how to walk it out because I've never been dying before while trying to live so hard. 

I'm tired, and rest for my soul is hard to find today.

So when Huz is baffled over how I can go bowling yesterday and be too exhausted to make school lunches today I don't know what to say.

It's just the sweet and sour of 'doing so much better' I guess. But it's unfair that I get to choose the sunshine and not the nitty gritty tasks, and I've promised myself I'll save him from that.

Just not today.