mothers heart

I woke with the faces of my littles in my mind. Sweet, soft faces with huge eyes and questions, always questions to ask, and laughter that comes easily. Oh my littles. You are the three I sobbed over when I was alone falling asleep last night - you beautiful, frustrating, incredible darlings.

And it's these faces that turn the constant cog to write down all the small details of this beautiful life, because I am the keeper of so very many memories, moments with you three, and these moments are rich as gold and deeply precious, and how do I give them back to you when articulating it is so unbelievably daunting?

Moments like discovering the dimples in Brave's cheek when you were hours freshly made. Marvelling at the detail of how He made you, with the softest skin and eyes that met mine and never did look away. The boy with the name made up on the spot during labour - a perfect name for such a light as you Brave.

Moments like True finding worship at church irresistible to dance to when he was 2 years old-a dance from his happy place, a dance that in itself was his toddler worship. A dance that made my heart see the joy of abandoning yourself to the moment, and put to shame my inhibited, self conscious singing beside you. Small feet tapping and a body moving as one little unit. True joy.

Moments like the first smile Soul gave me from his hospital bed after he came out of cranio-facial surgery at 7 months old. Bandage wrapped swollen head, tiny tiny body, jagged stitches and a smile. I could breathe again. A tough fighter and dearly loved one. That smile undid me.

And these moments pile up in my mothers heart, and there are too many to dig through, carefully collected and counted and tucked away. Countless deeply happy, life is beautiful moments, of which I am the keeper. I have to believe that my Jesus will do something fabulous with such moments as these. They inspire my heart even in it's brokenness, they have made my life such a rich treasure, they will be carried in my mother's heart all of my days and into eternity.

But now I don't have too long to give the gift back to you my True, Brave and Soul. How can you know the way I drink you in, the way it refreshes my soul to be next to you doing this life. Can you know the intricate way I have studied your sweet faces, knowing each and every curve of the nose, small freckle on the cheek, cowlick and expression? 

And the moments themselves may look ordinary on the outside, but these moments cuddling in bed and eating rice bubbles at the kitchen table, tickling and sitting by the fire -these are the delicious moments full of the very best of life. These are the moments I ache over in all of the new knowledge. Knowing that I can no longer be gluttonous in my desire for endless days with my tribe of boys. I love our moments together. I have gathered them to me and I am the keeper and long to be now also the giver of them.

I just wish I could find a way to give the gift of all of these moments right back to you. So you would know that you know how loved you are by this lucky mum who counts it all as grace as the moments pile up. 

And this part of my story is hard, and you boys are the ones I fall asleep crying over and wake up smiling over. You are my portion and joy in this life.

I am more than blessed.