prognosis. oh dear.

There is a really big difference between knowing that you will die one day, and being told by an oncologist that you will die soon, and probably in 2015.

oh my.

At times people have offered to comfort me by saying that they suppose we are all in the same boat really, as all of us know that one day we will die, it's just none of us know when.

i've been told when. 

And it's truly such a shocking, rubbish, unbelievable, horrid piece of knowledge to be handed. I've not asked to hand it back, (or re-gift it. can you do that?) but I really should. It has changed almost every thought, every plan, every purchase, and every hope for the future with my littles.

It hasn't changed that God is good or that Jesus is the Man. It hasn't changed that I'm excited to imagine being in heaven, in that place of no more pain, with my forever family.

It has changed practically everything else though.

Yesterday I was writing in my diary and flicked over to February to write down a coffee date with a friend, and maybe, just maybe a little naughty word slipped out as I realised: one month down, eleven to go.

oh crap. (not the actual word that slipped out, but you get it).

And Huz went quiet. The kind of quiet I now know he goes when what is happening is awful, and maybe he's working to find the words to speak into it. 

I have no idea what the literature advises that you say when your wife is counting down the months as if she has been handed a death sentence that is all neat and nice and she seems to think it'll hit exactly 12 months, and now she's running, running, running, marking in those diary dates, all those nice moments, all those birthdays, celebrations, events, and the mundane too, but all it adds up to is just 12 months, and now one of them is already gone.

Already gone? No. That can't be right.

And it does my OCD self some good that this conversation with Dr K occurred on the last day of 2014, on New Year's Eve, so that in my very black and white, concrete, desperate to hold on to some sense of order personality - well, maybe it was like I was suddenly on a starter block and the starter's gun went off, and now here we are - late January, heading into February.

But it is in no way the same thing as knowing vaguely, generically, in the distant (hopefully) future that we are all going to die someday.

No. This is a little bit more specific.

How can I ever say goodbye to this little Soul smile? Melts me. And if there's ever a poke or prod to get my inner 'lioness arising' then here it is.

I love you little guys.
xx