hooray for steroids

It's 12.18am.

I don't have a wink of sleep in me. I even lay down next to Huz for what I was imagining was a sleepy talk before drifting off, but then somehow he was almost asleep beside me and I was all, well, awake.

I knew at chemo today that I would feel kind of super-charged when I got home (thanks steroids. you make my face puffy, but gee I like the energy you lend me) as that's kind of been the pattern, but somehow I let myself forget, and now, here I am in a deliciously quiet house with an awake mind, which is a rare combination let me assure you. 

I've always loved the sound of our house in the peaceful quiet of littles and one big boy asleep. The hum of our fridge, soothing tick of the clock and faraway thrum of Shepherd's Hill Rd noise. It's nice. It's soothing. It's so familiar.

And tonight i'm glad chemo today is over. And I'm not going to lie that it was a calm afternoon as such since one moment in time involved Brave and I crying on the floor, 
(separate rooms, same moment in time, completely different reason).

And when I think back to it now it's terribly dramatic to cry sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor, and I really think if I had thought of it at the time ( I didn't, which is a pity because I love a sincerely dramatic moment) I would have had a teensy tiny smidge of smug delight. oh cancer cancer where art thou?

Ahh. A good 'sit on the kitchen floor and sob' moment. nice.

Because sometimes you don't know why, but a good cry is what fixes whatever is a little broken.

So. Like the good girl I am I decided to get things done. Like a boss. And indeed I have.

This week I have begun to record myself reading aloud 'The Chronicles of Narnia' starting of course (though I know it's out of sequence) 'The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe'.
I'm having so much fun recording it, half imagining that at any moment I will be interrupted while I attempt some character voices to bring it to light. Really, it needs only to be read in a monotone voice, as even doing this C.S.Lewis is genius and the story really is undeniably magical.

And of course for me I get caught up in the magic of it all. The magic/truth that it slowly uncovers as Aslan is so beautifully, terribly good,and the White Witch so undone with evil.

Will the boys listen to it down the track? I really don't know.

I probably hope too much that these three of mine want me to soothe them to sleep when my voice-and my self-has been missing. Maybe that this story will speak, maybe my mummy voice lull them off on nights they miss me.

It's ok however they need to roll. The words are here for them, my prayers will saturate them, my stories will wait till they want them.

So perhaps the 'long goodbye' that I'm saying is lots about me and my heart and how to let go of all this life and love just as much as it is for my boys to help them keep on living well their lives and loves.

One of my daily joys is reading 'Narnia' to True and Brave in the evenings before bed, and am beyond stoked that they are soaking it up. I truly thought it might be a little too old for them, but, thank goodness they have been absolutely indulging me with looking forward to it and we are almost at the end.

Love these small moments together with the hearts I love the best. 

And it's funny, because if you peeped into our house about 7pm you would find us piled all together pouring over the huge volume with the lion etched on front and it might not look like much. But to me this is the essence of it all, the way I choose to spend some of this final chapter of my very own life, in that warm place with my little loves beating out this love story of Jesus as we read together.

More. than. blessed.