Dead set. I loved, I lived, I longed for early mornings.
But I have been dreading them these last few weeks, because they contain the most potent dose of pain and discomfort that I've regularly experienced. And I'm waking up to it in groans. And it's a dream sequence of wheat bags and oxynorm softened with spotify- music for my soul to drag me through it all. Until I sleep again in fits and starts. You boys coming in (coming in coming in) asking me where socks are, wanting shoe laces done up and crying that offences have been made against you and only you by your brothers. Then deeper sleep, or perhaps it is just sleep gifted by drugs-will dampen the pain, and I dream (I don't know what) and when I wake the house is quieter as you littles have gone and my Huz has gone too.
Sometimes I can hear one of my mums cleaning and tidying and sorting and washing and I remember its my two mums keeping this house ticking over, stopping it from teetering on the edge of madness. It's the two of them and their hard work that keep clothes clean and floors clean and all the rest too.
Also they keep me from spinning off the edge of my axis. Tell me that having a tidy house doesn't matter and I will heartily disagree! It's grounding. It's peace giving. It's calming, and it's not giving this rubbish disease the upper hand by making our lives a big old mess.
You see my littles, this morning I didn't want to get out of bed with my bucket next to me and freshly changed sheets (thanks Ma). Too hard. Too hard.
But today I'm learning that I get to show up even though I'm sick.
I don't want to check out early. I want to be present in the moments I'm given to be here. And those moments may be given 'post horrid morning hours', but they are given nonetheless. And how foolish of me to even consider not grabbing those moments by the horns and riding them till I'm thrown violently off my proverbial bull.
There are so very many moments, hours even that I'm busy just trying to push through pain, and yet there are little moments and great moments on difficult days. And that has to be enough. It's more than enough. And it didn't take cancer for me to notice this, to long to take hold of the little moments that matter even if they are given in the context of large, ongoing difficulty. Because who doesn't have difficulty in their life. I don't know even one. And the other day I walked through Marion and looked at all the beautiful people and thought it again: everyone you meet is walking a difficult path. It may not be stage four cancer, but this is not a competition for 'hardest story'. There are many, many types of 'hard' after all.
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| can you believe these are 'supermarket roses'? It's my new discovery - beautiful cheap flowers! |
And yet grabbing those moments in the midst of it all has been a wildly exciting discovery.
Much like finding beautiful roses in Blackwood Foodland. But I digress.
That these weeks and months can be full of joy and meaning and connection and love. And that's only as I'm setting my hope on looking forward to Heaven and being with my Jesus soon. Fixing my eyes on Him and on all the beauty He has placed in my life instead of the cancer stuff. It was one of the only bible verses I ever memorised that made this click in my heart a while back. I am so sadly poor at memorising, well, anything actually. Even before the convenient 'chemo brain' excuse was at my fingertips! I tend to have a 'feel' for a text I've read, or a street direction or google map I've studied. Remembering it word for word not so much. I guess you know who to thank when you're in year 12 my darling boys and can't commit to memory all of that info for your exams. You're welcome/I'm sorry.
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, Who for the joy set before Him, scorned it's shame and went to sit down at the right hand of God.
Hebrews 12.2
Boom yeah!
Typed that out by memory.
Let my littles be suitably impressed. And a big thanks goes out to my best buddy through all high school Miss N who inspired me to remember that by heart. Thanks N!
So, that's what I'm doing I guess. Fixing my eyes not on the difficulties but on Jesus. Sure doesn't come like first nature. But that's like everything about following Jesus. Hard but good. Not easy but totally life-changing.
I'm hoping you'll let Him change your lives too my dear hearts.
Mum xx
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