cancer is back

I'm asking Jesus to help me know how to write this. He is a very present help in times of trouble. 

My trouble this past week has given me a run for my money. My faith under fire as so much of what I have feared and hoped would not come to me is now here in deafening proportions. 

my cancer is back.

The facts are pretty straightforward: Monday morning I gave my onc Dr K a call as I had some blurred vision in my right eye and thought that a referral to an opthamologist (eye doctor) might be a good idea. Within the hour he had me booked into a brain scan and told me outright on the phone that it could be my cancer had spread to my brain.

The stink of death sat in the pit of my stomach.

I rang Huz and despite me saying to him not to worry he met me there at Tennyson. I sent a quick message to some girlfriends to pray for me, and I'm so glad I did. Straight after the appointment we met with Dr K who could see some tumors on my skull. 

'What the hecka' (as Brave would say) 

what the freakin' hecka! 

That was so entirely out of the blue, such a punch in the gut, such an arrow launched at my heart.

That same morning I was folding washing, cuddling Soul and tucking him into bed, and now I am told that I have terminal cancer. 

And we almost ran out to the car, and Huz held me while I sobbed and groaned, and begged it all away.

Then came 4 or 5 more tests; bone scans, CT scans, MRI's. My arm is pin pricked and my heart is too.

All I can say is that I'm heartbroken.

My Huz, my boys...it's all I can breathe, think or know. I'm not ready to say goodbye. They feel like home and I don't want to leave.

There's more to say, but my heart is aching too much.

May your grace be enough Jesus.