unlife

The following post was written almost a year ago, but here it is a little late, but better late than never!




to my boys:


i've been thinking about the power of my words. more to the point, the power of others words over my life. especially when i'm in a vulnerable place. especially when those words linger and stay: days, months or years.

sometimes it's been a collection of words - spoken by a few people - sending a message to my heart - demanding i listen and take heed.

but not all words spoken over my life, spoken into my particular circumstance are edifying, or even true. i've got a growing collection in my conscious memory of various doctors offices where i have had words of 'unlife' spoken over me; words that do nothing to build my spirit up, and instead do their darndest to tear my fragile-tissue-paper spirit.

words of 'unlife' can mascarade as knowledge. they can hide in good reason and under the blanket of statistics. words sending a message to my spirit that it's all for naught anyway, that evil has won, that my deep potent longing for peace and truth has run dry, evaporated with ill-health, or bad luck.

an example is the often said phrase, 'if you havn't got your health, you havn't got anything'.
these words has of late produced a gnawing ache in my spirit. until 15 months ago i was in perfect health my entire life, and in ways i am only beginning to recognise, that was a 'bubble' of protection i felt i was in. well now the bubble has popped...so now what?

words of unlife have often sounded so true when they are spoken over me. a couple of times i havn't recognised them, and so have spoken the same words from my own lips. nope. still unlife in em. guess unlife is unlife no matter who speaks it. My 'health' never was everything. i might have wanted it to be, but God never says if i loose my good health it's a deal breaker. instead he says that nothing can separate me from the sweet love of Jesus. nothing. and that includes cancer.

i've found though, that living 'with cancer' is quite the opposite to what I would have imagined. I have all that I need in sickness or in health. I possess the Spirit of God living in me to strengthen me to be able to do whatever is needed. often his strength in me has released me to put aside my own state of affairs and serve others. my eyes see life in a way i never could before. His spirit in me allows me to just breathe at those times my heart feels it will break. His spirit is the cool breeze that blows over me when all i am is angry and want to have a temper tantrum. His spirit washes me with a peace so steady in my heart that it doesnt make sense when you see what is going on around me. 

 instead of believing that 'i havn't got anything' i'm believing that actually i have all i need.

this is my answer when friends and family wonder aloud how we are coping with all that has happened in the last few years. this is my answer: in myself i'm not strong enough, i don't have enough reserves. in Christ i have all that i need, and his power is made perfect in my weakness.

Jesus, i love that you know just what i need, and today i needed to get this out of my head, and onto paper.