she's coming to visit

This morning began with a deep sadness, and has held far more joy than I ever gave it the possibility. If it were up to me it would have been a morning alone at home, waiting on my appointment, with a knotted stomach reminding me that the Brain MRI might not be clear. 

The day that started with nausea from a concoction of drugs, the day that Brave's little arms wrapped me up tight while i tried to sleep on. The day my mind kept running ahead to what the end of my days may feel like to live in. The day that I didn't hold out much hope for being anything fun or sunny or...well, much like living in technicolor.

But then the day surprised me in all the best ways, and in all the brightest ways, and the peace is bigger than the sadness.

I'm trying to put skin on what it looks like to live this 'cancer is back' thing. I'm wrestling with it. Not even trying to be gentle with this giant that has scared me since way back in 2011. Nothing tender in my confrontation of this beast. I will look at it from all sides, I will wade in and set my spirit and sights on Jesus the author and perfecter of my faith, and in Him I will come up trumps. I will.

But the trying to put skin on it is exhausting me, and I just want to 'get my nanna on' and pull that knee rug up and drink my tea and contemplate/nap it out.

Huz wants to whisk me away. Book a flight and just go. Maybe the big C wouldn't follow. But then that just seems a little too perfect and easy and I just love the sound of it. Pity I would just be carrying it with me. That sums up the hate I have of a disease that I can't even see, mostly don't even physically know I have, and for which the treatment is going to just about make me crazy.

But the best part of the whole day was when my sunshiney sister called from Turkey. She's been doing a lot of that lately. A lot of calls, a lot of Skype and FaceTime, and a lot of love poured out in prayers and tears and whys and the bond of sisterhood is strong and intense in my pain and diagnosis. She's coming to visit. She's not supposed to be here, was not at alll schedulled to come, and has to leave my three sweet nieces with my amazing brother in law for a week to do it, but she's coming.

And now I know it, now i've stopped telling her to quit being ridiculous and just not worry - we can keep Skyping, it's fine she's so far away, she's where she's meant to be doing what God has for her, fulfilling the dream of many years ago which was so potent they left it all for Turkey last year. And now I've stopped telling her not to come, I'm desperate to see her. Totally given in to the excitement of a huge hug, of some tears together, of her strength and beautiful heart to be here next to me. I can't wait. And it's only a week away! I don't even think I can wait that long to see her I really don't. 

So bring it on. Bring on another day of whatever it may be. Not only is my brain free of cancer, but my sister is coming. Today was awesome.