I am all busy thinking about how well you love me, how deep we have traveled together over the past 11 years of our marriage. We have loved one another with all our hearts from the very beginning, and I can't imagine the person I would be without you. I actually can't imagine the girl I would be...most likely lots more fiesty ; )
I woke up all out of sorts this morning. The morning of Brave's 5th birthday party, and the emotional struggle I was facing in planning to go along. There will be many many more birthdays ahead that I won't be able to attend. So many celebrations I will miss out on. The sick feeling in my stomach gave witness to the desire to be there today and the fear of going and having to face countlless school parents with well meaning questions. I couldn't do it. Couldn't bring myself to go. And you knew Huz. The whole time you knew my heart and why I was a mess.
And when you just spoke it aloud to me, and I heard the thoughts in my heart reflected exactly, it just made me fall to pieces. And when you held me and just let me crumple up, there was a kind of healing in the deep hurting place I was protecting.
Truth is that I'm not very brave.
Truth is that I want to think I can just push on, but my heart has taken a big old beating in these last few weeks.
Truth is that when I talked to Brave about how mummy was really tired and didn't think she could come to his party he was totally fine with it, and said, 'I wish you could come mummy but I will tell you all about it'.
Thankyou Jesus for the grace from a 5 year old, and the deep love of my husband.
I am more than blessed.
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| birthday pancake brekkie for Brave |
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