sports day

True and Brave had sports day today at Belair National Park in the drizzling rain. It's the day that all the minutes of practicing hurdles (over kids picnic chairs on the front lawn) was about to pay off. 

I had told the boys I would do my absolute best to come and watch, but that if I couldn't come cos I was too tired, that I would ask Gramps to take some video so I could see it later. When Mum and I got there we could see Gramps with his camera following them around. He is the absolute best Dad and Gramps ever. Reminds me of how he captured almost every single minute of my own childhood on camera. All the mundane and the sensational. Love that.

Laying in bed this morning, and dozing in and out of sleeping and hot flushes and feeling disheartened I wasn't there cheering them on was one of those hard days when it's clear I'm not in control of my days and the impact on my boys is not one I would welcome. I wanted to be there the whole day, dammit. I wanted to be all up in the action, cheering them on, wearing red war paint myself. 

But it's ok. It's just not how I wanted it.

My lovely Mum drove out to the park in the hopes that the boys might be competing in events near where we could park the car so I could watch. We didn't manage to get too close, but with the help of some trusty binoculars (sorry other parents who thought I was keeping a sharp peeping Tom eye on your kids!) I did see True race and caught a glimpse of Brave play volleyball.

If only True and Brave had known mama was there.

And the deep sorrow of many years to come of mum not attending dampens my mood this afternoon. I've taken on some cares of tomorrow by the looks of my messy heart.

It's the skipping ahead days and months and years that will do my head in if I let it. The jumping ahead to sports days, and birthdays, and school awards that will make me feel ripped off and jaded that it's all going to be 'taken away'...

But nothing has been taken away because all of life, even this very day is a gift, a total gift, that I can't make happen myself or orchestrate even if I wanted. No one can add even one day to their life by worrying. And my Jesus said it so I know it can be trusted. I know that it is true. Besides, if I had a choice I wouldn't be adding a day, but a lifetime to cuddle and play and enjoy and give time outs to my sweet boy brood.

One extra day wouldn't be enough.

So I'll lay aside not being able to get out and cheer at sports day. I'll thank you Jesus for my Dad who is out there in the drizzle now filming the boys athletics. They will know they are loved, and it is a wider and deeper love than just what one mama can give: these boys of mine have the love of a Heavenly Father who will provide for all their needs, come what may.

A safer love than just what I can give them alone. And so my heart is thankful.